I miss you a lot, my angel, and since you have gone away the grip of the depression has caught me.
I miss the
distractions just to not focusing my thoughts on you
Since I’ve
lost any contact and who knows until when I have to wait for your return.
I look for
you in the things I do, in the people I meet.
Now I don’t want to hang you up in a cross,
cheating you, harassing you in this and all the possible lives
Sometimes I
don’t even know what I say.
And stop
then. Stop talking.
Stop producing
other work materials for psychologists or psychiatrists.
Where will I
go with all their pretentions and assumptions
There’s no
wrong in their opinions, always so different,
Everything is
relative.
Everyone has
its own idea
I don’t know
any more who I should follow.
I decided:
no one but myself.
This situation
doesn’t seem having any rescue
Just God listens to and watches harmless
I don’t think
anymore. I ‘ve lost my skills of interpretation or whatsoever.
maybe
because I don’t have anymore interest in what it’s happening all around me.
Moments of joy,
moment of illusions, moments of dismay that slip away over my skin..
Just moments...therefore
it would have to be much more simple overcoming it
Just moment,.
Not an entire life.
Moments in which
I dedicated myself too much in the search of something so high that seems to be
impossible to be reached
But it doesn’t
really is.
I don’t look
for a new love.
I’m fed up
with all this stuff.
Love is all
around you, if you content yourself,
Of course
never enough
But the
noise...I cant stand it...I’m always trapped in bordels of confusion
Just moments
But I
remain what I’ve always been.
Nothing changes
in my mind.
I have my
thought and I don’t want to change my advise with that of other people,
as I’m the only person who truly understand me
No doctors,
no scientists, no priests, no teachers, no friends.
Anyone can
tell you what is wiser for you but
yourself.
Living alone
it’s not easy.
I’d like to
lose myself in a dream but I cant: the call for reality is much more urging
if you like
it or not.
Nothing special
to say, nothing special to rationalize....the same stuff of ever.
I look for
you but I keep it secret on my own, hiding it also to myself.
By now you’re
confined in the realms of the dreams to which I have sadly to renounce anyway
I will find
maybe someday something that reaches enough this level of aspiration.
By now, I limit
myself to drink on it and that’s enough
to give the
right thrills I need to survive in this so-called life that you live like having the death inside
and there’s no novelty in that. I perhaps will never be so acquainted to the proper idea
of joyfulness.
I ‘d like
to fix an equilibrium upon it but I perfectly now that everyday life is so boring
and useless.
I don’t see any sense, any excitement to live
as I do in the silence of my solitary room,
Where nothing
changes...never...and just overwhelmed by ghosts who speak to you and make you lose the contact
with reality obliging me to live as a machine or a doll.
there’s
something much more profound to which no one cant have access.
But it’s also true that I have fed up with myself
and, in the wait, for the azure prince coming or much more for a change,
you learn
how nothing really matters.
Perhaps it’s
true that we have to reshape our expectations, reducing them
but a man
without dreams and hopes, it’s like a man never born.
The mind produces thoughts but what would you
do with all this exaggerated amount of ideas that are completely useless?
nowhere is the solution.
Be present at the moment, as I don’t know if I’ll
have a tomorrow and what it will be.
I’d like finding out something to dream about,
some escape,
Lying over
the uphills of my imagination
but it’s hard to find one really.
Being skeptical
is not on my chords.
Maybe it’s
enough taking some light- weighted moments of breath,
let you mesmerize by the beauty and the
smiles,
the enthusiasm
that surround you and leave you so unprepared to such a blessing.
I’ve been
perfectly acquainted with the assumption that nothing is forever,
with all
the agony that it may affect.
no
solutions then, no chemical or neuronal
remedy for the surprise effect
that could
destabilize you as it’s not in your habits,
but maybe a real change is ongoing and it
would be wonderful if I could find here my little California.
I’m really full of fears for this voyage, honestly,
but I try
to not linger on these thinkings,
and I’m
eager to launch myself in a new, unrepeatable adventure and if even if I will
ought to die,
it will be
for the search of some utmost joy,
as my life
has been so cruel for me so far. That’s it.
I’ll try to
overcome my mental and physical limits under the shining light of the American sun.
