What truly matters in life?

 

You dwell in my utmost joy and desire

I can't help thinking of you night and day

not as an uncomfortable, upsetting obsession

but as the sweetest pillow I could ever have

to discharge heaviness, preoccupations, anxieties,

nightmares...

the pain that maybe I could never reach you out is devastating

exacerbating the void and the deep sense of loss 

I've always carried with me.

An unquenched melancholy

and corrosive nostalgia.

Everything by now seems to be chilled between us

maybe for the guilt I have to not believe enough in you

although I'd wish it with all my strenght and hope.

It's such an assurdity!

Perhaps we've been waiting for too long,

the situation is precipitated

and neither of us knows what to do,

what's the best choice, the rightest one...

if you ask me where the instinct is finished,

you leave me speechless

as virtuality ends up to fade any sensation

even if you perfectly know it wouldn't ever be just sex!

Then, our careers that keep us distant

obliged to not be bound to anyone

and anything...

you said you'll have never allowed

the flame of this warming candle would dim...

that's what's happening instead

for one reason or another...

it's not just a matter of giving up

but if it's still a reciprocated love

against all odds.

what matters in life the most?

the dreams or the reality?

just words and notes,

the importance of the emotions...

even among thousand doubts...

maybe the truth is in the middle.

We've tortured enough ourselves!

where should we go?

You're my sexual wanting and my prayer

the misticity, broken out in pieces,

my destruction and my life,

never a beginning but just my end,

finally losing my mind

and being kidnapped by a never denied passion...

you dissacrate everything

you're the reason I've chosen to lose myself forever...

joy and death

I gave you all that I could

and you gave it to me too...

we lost ourselves

just to find us again...

no matters what people say

nobody could understand it 

and for what we feel inside

we have just paid out enough...or maybe...never enough...

we have to fight hard to be as we are,

for our difference,

for our ribelliousness,

for our lack of conformity...

you dont respect anyone...

neither I, because anyone deserve it

and it's hurting---still it is...

my scars never stop blooding...

I could never conceive love without pain

because the search of happiness is just an illusion,

something unreal...

why do we always have a smile on our faces?

passion is all that matters

and passion is dark

and passion burns...like loneliness...

we'll go on... where?

Is my home where or wherever I am?  

Enigma

                                        

And I find myself alone,

never as I would like to be,

with or without you

somehow

beyond the cheerfulness, 

and the nibbled and shy feelings

never empty of a bitter aftertaste,

to not consume, to not be able to love.

the mystic sense lacks, that I'm sure dwell in each of us,

that has united us a long time ago and I could never forget...

the way of the vice or of the wisdom?

I just know that I will never forget you.

You're unforgettable and transpassing

a hurricane in my life

so boring but more or less stable.

would you say stable?

 I just know that I always drink beyond any measures

if it is the price that I have to pay for my freedom...

freedom from the charlatans,

freedom of the lost time

freedom from the subjugations....

when I know that it's enough just one drop of your love

to delete everything.

I loved you, I hated you, I felt lost but I 've found you again

and you are the greatest happiness for me.

I  don't promise you eternal love,

 but I  can always offer to you my heart

and I've  never deny to you this,

if you want it, as you have always reject it in a loo.

 I've never been a star, worst a pornostar, no more a model. 

I'm a never grown child

and I can stand the security belts,

they bore me.

With you I feel the shiverings of the risk,

with you I'd like to do thousands of things

and I don't know from where to start...

making up the time that has relentlessly changed us...

I don't wanna by subject to a whim of a man, 

I'm not a game,

I am good anyway

I feel good with you.

Of course the fire's flames are very distant from us,

maybe you're not still ready

I  don't know what you really want

if I am just a body

I've failed since the start

if you wanna amuse yourself maybe not

even if you've never had female friends.

so, I'm just a pain in the ass.

if you want to, I get out of the scene.

I don't understand you. that's all. feel your heart. stay in contact with yourself.

I've not been having a diamond in my heart for a long time 

but I would have loved you anyway.

Cuori spezzati/ Broken hearts

                                           

Nell'amara oscurità di questo buco nero

Tutto si è ridotto in pura o impura cenere.

Chi sono io senza te?

La mia vita scivola via pensando a volte non abbia più un senso...capirai!

cosa mai ci  si dovrebbe aspettare?

E l’amore e’ bello finche’ dura

o prova tu a  convincermi di una possibile o quanto meno probabile spiegazione!

forse neanche l’amicizia tra ex conta assolutamente nulla...

troppo intimi! tagliati via....cancellati, distanziati, persi!

siamo forse tutti robotizzati? automatizzati? premi il pulsante e via?

i sentimenti, se fioriscono e prendono vita, non muoiono mai....

Non credere che io non abbia nutrito del rancore, 

sardonico a volte, lacerante e furioso altre, 

Forse perche’ mi sono ritrovata relegata ad un ruolo, un mondo passato che non tornerà più,

perché mi hai voluta liberare da una serie di catene

di cui tu non c’entravi niente…che dovevano riscattarmi da tutt'altro che da te...

forse perche’, come sempre, hai preferito qualcun’ altra,

la gelosia non so, o solo uno stupido gioco...

sulla mia pelle, sai, non è mai stato così gradito!

non è ossessione, non è ironia, non è sarcasmo…

chiamala se vuoi nostalgia o malinconia...sovrappensiero...

cuori spezzati, senza rimedio...

Perche’ tu sei stato l’unica persona che mi ha dato tutto se stesso senza riserve

lo so le cazzate, con un’altra ingenuita’, ma alla fine tutto vero!

Sola ovunque, anche tra la gente...a che serve?

posso avere tutto ma mi mancherà sempre qualcosa, qualcuno...mi mancherai sempre tu...

Per te ho raggiunto le eccellenze più sterili

ben magra consolazione, se pensi che sono povera e pazza, ma molto meno di tanti altri,

ancora io un senso a tutto lo ricerco!

tu sei il mio valore aggiunto.

Di questi duri sacrifici non ne posso più ma la vita e’ così: nessuno ti regala niente…

E’ cosi…sei quello che fai…forse per un ideale...non lo so...tu credi ancora in qualcosa?

forse ci facciamo abbagliare dallo sfolgorante luccichio di mera superficie e materia,

da cose allettanti molto più grandi noi,

sempre una strada in salita che percorri senza fermarti mai,

E se decidi di non fare piu’ nulla ti salvi solo da un’esaurimento nervoso,

di cui nessuno ha colpa, solo te stesso!

Sai che c'è? Questa solitudine non è poi cosi male...devo ripartire da me,

Nel bene e nel male,

nella disperazione talvolta,

talaltra sommersa dall' incombenza…sempre qualcosa da fare...sempre qualche "must do"

che ci porta dove? tanto, non basta mai nulla....

sarà deformazione mentale? sarò patologica?

L'adrenalina del vincere le sfide...forse è questa la mia vera ragione di vivere...

la mia motivazione, il mio motore

in questa macchina di merda che neanche funziona…

sinceramente a volte vorrei fermarmi un attimo,

 avere più spazio per il mio silenzio,

riflettere

che almeno porta saggezza…

io non do un punto a questa poesia

perche’ sicuramente ne seguiranno altre.

Delusa da tutti ma so che ciò che resta sono io,

 volente o nolente, che ti piaccia oppure no, 

anche se non mi sono mai ricostruita una vera vita dopo....dopo...

perchè nessuno è come te.

sono cosi difficile da decifrare?

anche se lo so che non ci sono codici possibili...

solo l'amore!

In the bitter obscurity of this black hole

Everything has been reduced in a pure or impure ash.

Who am I without you?

My life glides away sometimes tbelieving it has no more a meaning in that...it's a big deal!

What on earth should one expect?

And love is mesmerizing until it lasts

or do you try to convince me by a possible or at least probable explanation?

Maybe even a friendship between ex lovers matters nothing at all...

too much intimate! cut off....deleted, apart, lost!

are, perhaps, all of us, robotized? automated? push the button and go?

feelings never die if they flourish and come into existence....

Don't believe I didn't hold any grudge, 

sardonic sometimes, lacerating and furious some others, 

Maybe because I've found myself confined to a role, a past world that will never get back

because you wanted to set me free from a burden of chains

which you had nothing to do with…that should have to rescue me from all but you...

maybe because, as always, you've preferred some other girlfriend,

I don't know...jealousy, or a stupid game...

on my skin, you see, i'ss never been so pleasant!

it's neither an obsession, nor irony, nor even sarcasm…

define it, if you like, nostalgia or melancholy... overthinking...

broken hearts with no remedy...

Because you have been the only guy who has given to me all of himself without reservation

I know, bullshit, with another naiveness, but at the end of the day all true!

Everywhere alone, even among people...what's the point?

I can get everything but I will always miss something, someone...I will always miss you...

For you I've reached the most sterile excellence

Such a cold consolation, if you consider that' I'm poor and  fool, but much less than many others,

I still search, at least, a sense!

You are my added value.

I have enough of these hard sacrifices but this is life: no handouts…

That's how it is…you are what you do…maybe for an ideal...I don't know...do you still believe in something?

It's likely that we make us dazzled by the blazing shimmer of appearance and matter,

been tantalizing by things much greater than us,

always an uphill climb that you take, never stopping,

And if you decide not to do anything, you rescue yourself only from mental exhaustion,

which nobody is to blame for, just yourself!

do you know what's going on? this loneliness is not so bad after all...I must restart from myself,

for better or for worse,

sometimes in despair,

some others submerged by tasks…always something to accomplish...always some "must do"

that leads us where? you know, nothing is ever enough....

Would it be a mental deformation? would I be pathological?

The adrenaline to win the challenges...maybe this is my true reason for my life...

my motivation, my engine

of this fucking machine that doesn't even work…

honestly, sometimes I'd like to relax for a moment,

 having more space for my silence,

for reflections

that at least bring wisdom…

I won't put a full stop to this poetry

because, for sure, more others will follow

Disappointed by everyone but I'm aware that I'm all I've got left,

 willingly or unwillingly, if you like it or not,

even if I've never rebuilt an outright life afterward...after...

because anyone is like you.

I'm so indecipherable?

even if I know that there are no possible codes...

just love!

Al crocevia / At the crossroad

                          

Ne sono passate di lune

ma tra stasi e dinamicità
ti stagli, come sempre, dritto in mezzo al cuore, 
incurante del tempo,
per riempire le pagine dei miei diari,
un pò scarabocchiati, un pò oltraggiati, un pò immacolati...
io e le tracce di te,
il grande assente,
che continui a rimbombarmi nelle orecchie,
a smantellare i cardini di ogni certezza,
a risucchiarmi l'anima a gocce,
gocce di memoria,
gocce di piacere,
gocce di nostalgia.
Sei scomparso senza che ti te se ne possa più vedere neanche l'ombra,

cioè annullando me, che stavo al tuo riparo...
nessuno mai che mi parli di te,
di dove sei, che fai, dove andrai...
ho rincorso l'eco di te fin oltre oceano...
squarci di vita,
squarci di gioia,
recitate o vere,
per vedere amanti mano nella mano
a scambiarsi dolcemente baci
mentre io resto persa nell'abbraccio della mia solitudine,
dove per lo meno ci sei ancora tu,
insostituibile, unico...
catene di un amore non corrisposto 
e che abbiamo spezzato,
che non lasciano spazio ad alcuna relazione, associazione, ripartenza,
inanellato nelle schegge di questa vita da cui spesso mi assento...
così lontano...si può sapere in quale dannato oltretomba sei finito?
ti ritrovo solo tra le pieghe della mia anima,
in quella linea di confine tra le estremità dei corpi e l'inizio di un'incoscienza amorale.
Tu la notte,
Io la luna.
due stranieri in cui regna l'incomunicabilità.
la nullità delle giornate.
La mia noia e i miei entusiasmi
sono pregni di te,
mia anima gemella,
ma che hai trovato il tuo perché altrove...
e nella tua isola, tu e quattro pescatori,
tu e una vergine gitana.
senza pensare che mi manchi,
che non hai capito niente,
che, nonostante i miei stati umorali,
le mie andate e i miei ritorni,
 ti volevo mio ogni costo.
Nell'insensatezza degli incontri accidentali,
nelle accecanti, inevitabili, passioni di un'ora
vaneggio ancora del tuo imperituro ricordo,
bacio questa fedina che ho tatuato in un simbolico addio, 
un marchio indecifrabile, tribale, straniero, come noi...,
una devozione a un senso di purezza
ormai dissoltasi nei cuori della gente
incompresa, estromessa, in omaggio all'allure della materialità e del denaro
e allo squallido comfort delle convenzioni sociali in cui amano sollazzarsi...   
 e tiro avanti....
celato in un intimo, recondito antro della mia anima sola,
avulso dal tempo e dallo spazio,
so che tornerai
e mi troverai ad aspettarti,
ancora lì, nel momento di fuga,
dalle urla del mio calvario,
per non rivedere più i soliti, sordidi angoli di questa odiata città,
in cui però ho conosciuto te e ogni strada si fa memoria.
Due anime nude nate in una città di mare,
come tante forse,
chi se ne va, chi sogna, chi impazzisce...
chi si ritaglia stracci di poesia prima di partire, in qualche modo, comunque e dovunque...
qui non si vive, si lotta per un tozzo di pane.
Tu l'hai sempre capito,
così come le mie valigie.
Adesso sono all'impasse,
 ma spero non al punto di non ritorno,
a chiedermi ogni istante il perché di tutto questo,
e forse non lo saprò mai,,
quanto devo pagare ancora lo scotto di questa mattanza
 che mi ha voluta distante da te, da me...da tutto ciò che conta?
avvolti in questa triviale, banale, immobile iperrealtà senza senso...
Guardo l'orizzonte, fantastico, sola, come sempre,
e ti cerco nella limpidità del cielo,
nel candore di una nuvola,
nella fragorosità di un'onda,
illudendomi che, nel silenzio, ascolti ogni mio pensiero,
abbracci ogni mio timore
e i sussulti del mio cuore...
a volte così rumoroso e travolgente,
altre sommessamente mistico e incomprensibile, 
solennemente ignoto.
Vivo, sì, 
qui non si riesce a morire neanche se vuoi,
ma nella speranza di rincontrarti,
linfa delle mie radici,
per guardarti negli occhi e dirci tutto,
che ci siamo sempre stati l'uno per l'altra,
e che nel crocevia dei nostri labirinti
la magia, l' indissolubile attrazione, l'allegria contagiosa non sono mai scomparsi
ma tracimano ancora da questo calice sempre pieno,
per smorzare una sete che non si placherà mai.

So many moons have gone by

but between stasis and dynamic moments

you stand out, as ever, right within, in the middle of my heart, 
careless about time,
crammed into the pages of my diaries,
a little bit scribbled, a bit outraged, a bit immaculate...

 I and the traces of you,
the great absent,
that keeps on resounding in my ears,
on dismantling the hinges of any certainties,
on sucking my soul in drops,
drops of memory,
drops of pleasure,
drops of nostalgia.
You vanished not leaving even a shadow of you,
that's to say annihilating me, that I used to stay under your shelter...

nobody who talks me about you anymore,
about where you are, what you're doing, where you'll go...
I ran after the echo of you till overseas...
gashes of life,
gashes of joy,
recited or true,

to see lovers hand by hand
that sweetly kiss each other
while I'm lost  in the embrace of my solitude,
where at least I could always meet you,
the irreplaceable, the only one...
chains of an unrequited love 

that we have broken out,

 that don't leave space to any relation, any association, any restart,

ringed in the splinters of this life from which I'm often away... 
so far...what damn underworld did you end up in?
I can find you out just among the creases of my spirit,
in that border line between the extremities of bodies and the beginning of an immoral unconsciousness.
You, the night,
I, the moon.
Two foreigners where the incommunicability rules.
The nullity of the days.
My boredom and my enthusiasms
are pregnant of you,
my twin soul,

that anyhow has found his reason elsewhere...
and in your island, you and four fishermen,
you and a gypsy virgin.
Not thinking that I miss you,
that you didn't understand anything,
that, although my whimsical moods,
my come and go,
 I wanted you to be mine, at any cost.
In the nonsense of the accidental encounters,
in the blinding, inevitable one hour passions 

I ramble again on your everlasting recall.

I just kiss this promise ring I tattooed in a symbolic farewell, 
an incomprehensible, tribal mark, foreigner like us...
a devotion to a sense of purity
by now dissolved in the hearts of people

ousted, ejected in homage to the allure of the materiality and of money
and to the dreary comfort of social conventions where they love lulling themselves...   
 and I keep going on....
hidden in an intimate, secret antrum of my lonely soul,
detached from time and space,
I know you'll come back
and you'll find me waiting for you,
still over there, in the moment of the getaway,
from the screams of my Calvary,
not to see no more the same, filthy corners of this hated city,

where at least I met you...and every street becomes memory...

Two bare souls, born in a seatown,
maybe as many other ones,
who comes, who dreams, who goes crazy...
who carves out some rags of poetries before leaving, anyhow, however and wherever...

here you can't live, you fight for a crust of bread.
You have always realized it,
as well as my luggage.
Now I'm at an impasse,
but I hope not at a point of no return,
wondering each moment why all this is happening,
and maybe I'll never know...
how much have I to pay again the piper of this slaughter

that obliged me to drift me away from you, even from myself...from anything matters?

unshredded in this trivial, banal, stationary, meaningless iper-reality
I stare at the horizon, I fancy, alone, as always,
looking for you in the  clarity of the sky,
in the candor of a numb,

in the thunderous of a wave,
beguiling me that, within the silence, you're listening to each of my thoughts,
you're hugging each of my fears
and the thrills of my heart...
sometimes so noisy and overwhelming,
some others softly mystic and incomprehensible, 
solemnly unknown.
I live, yes, 
here you can't die even if you want it,
but in the hope of meeting you again,
sap of my roots,
to gaze at your eyes and telling each other ,
that we've always been there for each other,
and that in the crossroad of our labyrinths
the magic, the unwavering attraction, the contagious joy have never disappeared,

but they're still overflowing from this always full chalice,
to quench this thirst that will never smother.